In last month's column, I made a few passing comments about Intel's Pentium II processor and its godlike ability to generate heat equivalent to 12 megatons of TNT, wondering aloud if the Pentium II van ever overheats. Well, Dave Chickering pondered these thoughts and responded this way:
Pentium chips should be outlawed, or at least heavily fined by the EPA for their enormous contribution to global warming!
Dave
I thought, "Hey, he's right!" But before I contacted the EPA about this, I wanted to contact Intel in regard to this "situation" and any possible plans to correct it. Well, I never did contact the bigwigs at Intel, but I did contact Olga Dell, distant relative of another person by the last name of Dell (here's a hint — the other Dell is evil), Silicon Valley's leading fortune teller. In exchange for a Commodore 64 and a 5 1/4-inch disk drive, she gave me the good stuff on Intel, their Pentium II processor, and how Intel plans to "out-Microsoft" Microsoft with the Pentium II.
Introducing the Intel Pentium II Waffle Iron
 
Intel has done it again. They've leapfrogged the
competition with their latest advances in waffle iron
technology. The Intel Pentium II Waffle Iron will
revolutionize the industry with its ability to cook waffles
in just under 3 seconds with no preheating necessary!
And to top it all off, each waffle will feature a modification
of the now-classic "Intel Inside" logo.
Will Other Appliances Follow?
The answer to that question, which I'm sure you're all asking right now, is an emphatic YES! Following the introduction of the Intel Pentium II Waffle Iron will be the Intel Pentium II MP Sauna, the Intel Pentium II Toaster, the Intel Pentium II Mr. Coffee, and the Intel Pentium II Garbage Incinerator.
I did more probing and prodding and retrieved some benchmarks and even a memo regarding the introduction of the Intel Fire Extinguisher shortly after the introduction of the Waffle Iron. I guess that makes sense given that harnessing the heat of a Pentium II could cause small fires or even large, apocalyptic-style catastrophes.
 
Why Would Intel Do This?
Intel sees world domination as part of the American spirit, just like Microsoft. However, they don't see the computer field as a viable future for them (that would require them to not only flood the market with ads, but to make a good product as well). They want to use their monopoly in processors to dominate the small appliances market. We can only hope that the sauna is not Intel's attempt to dominate the outdoor recreation market, too. I'm of the belief that water and Intel don't mix. I think I'll stay away from that product.
How Much Will All Of This Cost?
To start with, Intel plans to give away the Waffle Irons with every PC purchase, or at least to sell them very cheaply until all other waffle iron makers go out of business. Then the prices should steadily rise until you have to mortgage your first child to buy one. But don't fret — these Waffle Irons of the future will not only make waffles, but will feature Windows CE!
